Too Much Series
by Aznyx
Summary: A series that your parents should not catch you reading. Conversations may not be what they seemed. Harry Potter characters learn that the hard way. A series of funny oneshots. Mature content. Read with caution, but you won't regret reading it. 4 updated!
1. Default Chapter

**Author's Note**: **(IMPORTANT)** This is a reedited, extended remake of the original "**_Too Much Stretching_**." I decided to brush it up a bit to make it better and hopefully, more funnier.

Remember to please rate and review! If you reviewed before and reviewed again, I greatly appreciate it! Your reviews motivate me to write.

**Disclaimer:** Harry Potter and characters do not belong to me.

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**Too Much Stretching**

ONE-SHOT

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On a day like this, she thought nothing could go wrong. The sun was shining brightly in the sky, the temperature was warm and it was Saturday. After completing her Head-Girl duties this morning, she was free for the entire day and she was quite glad she finished her week's worth of homework all yesterday.

Hermione Granger kept a good pace with her two bestfriends, Harry Potter and Ron Weasley. They were currently discussing the wizard world's most famous and only sport, Quidditch. Now, she was never much of a Quidditch fan or rather, she was immune to the excitement of Quidditch and was quite athletically challenged. After all, she could not see the thrill in riding a long stick and chasing balls around. She cocked her head to one side. _Riding a long stick and chasing balls around? That did not sound too right._

She shook her head, silently scowling herself. _I have been around the Head-Boy, Draco Malfoy too much. He must be rubbing off on me._

Riding a broom and hitting balls around. There, that was better.

With the topic at hand, which she was not interested in, she opened a book that she carried along with her. _Hogwarts, A History. Volume IV_

Deeply engrossed in her reading, her mind and hearing begin to fade consciousness of reality.

Up ahead, Ron seems to be in a predicament.

"It was terrible, I'm telling you, _terrible_!" Ron said, stressing the word. He buried his face deeply into his hands. "I won't be able to face her now without hearing the end of it."

"It can't be that bad." Harry said, trying to console his friend.

"But it was!"

"Hey mate. What's done is done." Harry smiled in reassurance. "You can't avoid her forever."

"I know, but she was expecting so much from me. You know, since I became a man and can handle things on my own. I can't believe I screwed this up."

"Tell me about it."

"Okay, okay." Ron took a quick glance at Hermione and noticed that she was still absorbed in her book.

"So what happened?"

"She told me to buy it, so I did. I told her I don't need it." Ron sighed heavily and started, his eyes completely glued on two squirrels quarreling over an acorn. Harry nodded, telling him to continue.

It was then that Hermione decided to stop reading and closed her book, oblivious to the topic of the conversation.

"She told me to cover it because she didn't want it dirty."

Hermione raised a curious eyebrow.

"I mean, I thought I was a _man, _I didn't need any protection for it, I told her. Yet, being the woman she is, she persisted me to buy it."

"Well, did you?"

"After an hour of arguing, I finally did."

Hermione narrowed her eyes. _What did Ron buy?_

"So when I ripped it out from the package, I didn't realize it was so small and the thing was so big." Ron continued, scratching his head.

"You didn't see the size on the package?"

"I did, but I wasn't sure what was the correct size for it."

Harry appeared surprised. "You mean to tell me you never looked at it?"

"No." Ron said sheepishly.

Hermione had never been anymore confused. She would have had interrupted their conversation and demanded what they were talking about, but she decided against it. Maybe she would find out as the discussion goes on.

"I tried to cover it, but it was so big, man." Ron said. "I was afraid of it stretching so much it rips."

The wheels of Hermione's brain started to turn a different direction as Ron finished his sentence, however, she continued to keep her silence.

"So I keep stretching it and stretching it, so it can completely be safe and covered and protected like she wanted, but I knew I should of have gotten a bigger size." Ron said, frowning.

"So yours was humungous, but you got the coverage too small." Harry laughed, smacking his friend playfully on his back.

Hermione's mouth dropped to the floor with astonishment, her cheeks flaming with embarrassment for eavesdropping on such a subject.

"Anyways," Ron continued, not noticing that Hermione has fallen behind as she began to walk a bit slower. "Yeah, that damn thing was too small. I kept stretching it anyway, you know, because I knew I wouldn't be able to return it once I opened it. When I finally fit the damn thing, she said it looked too weird. It looks like I was suffocating it."

Harry laughed loudly. The two boys were completely unaware of Hermione breathing heavily from the shock a few feet behind them.

_I should not be listening to this! _Hermione told herself repeatedly, but remained interested in the conversation, her cheeks burning red with shame. _Harry and Ron really talk about this stuff when they think I'm not listening? _

"She was complaining how it should be able to breathe and be comfortable if we were going to be on it. And the shape looked funny too." Ron said with annoyance. "Then she had the nerve to say that she seen better. She said _little boys_ could have done _better_."

Hermione's eyes were as wide as saucers. What girl had compared Ron to little boys? Was he that... _oddly shaped_? She mentally slapped herself. _How can I think of Ron like that? He is my bestfriend, for Merlin's sakes!_

Ron twitched his nose with aggravation. "I told her I didn't care. Whatever shape it turned out to be, I finally got it covered. From my point of view, it did not look too bad."

"Women," Harry rolled his eyes. "They can't settle for anything."

"And I also told her I didn't care as long as I could do it. I spent a long-ass time putting it on and I wasn't going to take it off yet."

"It probably did look funny. Knowing you."

"It was fine. I'll show you when we get back to the Burrow."

Hermione gasped, but quickly covered her mouth with her hands. She certainly never knew that! _I didn't think Harry and Ron would be like that! Have they been keeping secrets from me?_

She was horrified. She turned away, lips twitching something about washing her ears with soap when she got back to her room. Yet, her ears were glued onto the distant conversation ahead.

Ron chuckled and the two stopped walking. "I tried fixing it. Then I pushed it in and pulled it out. She was all screaming my name." His face became distorted, lips pinched and he mimicked in a high pitch voice. "_Ron! Oh Ron! Ron_!"

He laughed again. "I kept doing that, but then after a while, she screamed at me to stop cause she was worried that it might rip and there would be no point in it."

Harry burst with laughter. "You guys are so funny. I should've been there to see you at it."

Ron rolled his eyes. "So she said since we weren't going to use it anymore; I should take it off and return the product. I told her the store wouldn't take it back cause its all stretch and it ripped a bit."

Harry chortled. "Only her."

Ron snorted and said. "That woman went on and on about how the store should make the customer satisfied and she wasn't satisfied yet. Not anywhere _near_ satisfied with the product."

"You did all that struggling of putting it on and she wasn't happy?"

"Nope. After... like half an hour of arguing, I finally decided to take it off so she could stop bitching. I tried pulling it off, but it got stuck. She helped me tugged it off too. I think we pulled too hard because it ripped and all this white stuff came out."

Harry clapped his hands with glee. "It got all over her didn't it?"

Hermione just stood there, gaping like a fish. She made no sound. The shock was just too overwhelming for the poor girl.

"Sure did. It was everywhere." Ron nodded solemnly. "She was pissed as hell. I didn't know it had all that white stuff in there."

Harry shook his head with amazement.

"We cleaned up while she was screaming at me about buying such a small size if I knew it was much bigger. I told her that she told me to buy it that size since she thought it was so much smaller."

Hermione was swaying in her steps. She nearly fainted.

"I took it back to the store, but the man didn't want to take it back. He said it was broken and much too stretched." Ron pouted. "I asked him_, 'What about satisfaction guaranteed?'_ The man looked at me like he didn't give a shit. I told him he was doing some bad business. He said go buy a bigger size and try again."

"Did you buy a bigger size?"

"Nah. I gave up. I had enough for one day. That was too much hard work for me. Plus, she's still angry at me."

Hermione felt like she was hyperventilating. She would never be able to look at Ron the same way ever again. Visuals and images would come into her mind... of Ron... She shuddered; feeling cold bumps trailing down her back even though it was nearly eighty degrees.

She took a deep breath and forced herself to calm down.

"OH MY GOODNESS!" Hermione finally summoned enough strength after her near-heart-attack experience. She screamed at the top of her lungs. "WHY THE HELL ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT THAT!"

Both Harry and Ron were quite shock at her sudden outburst. "Hermione, are you okay?" Harry asked worriedly.

"NO! Of course I'm not okay. I never heard anything more disgusting and horrible in my entire life!"

Ron gave her a queer look. "We're only talking about everyday subjects."

"DAMN! To you it might be!" Her fingers stabbed accusingly at Ron. "You should be ashamed! There are little kids around here!"

Ron and Harry glanced at each other, confused and unsure as to what to say.

"Now move out of the way so I can go and puke." Hermione stormed off, her feet stomping furiously against the paved ground.

"What the hell is her problem?" Ron questioned, a worried look on his face.

"Don't know." Harry shrugged.

"I was only telling you about how I tried to stretch my brand new sheet over my feathered bed and my mother is pissed at me for wasting her money."

"She must be mad that you ripped the sheet. It's something with women and home decors."

"Geez, women these days." Ron threw his hands up into the air. "First my mother, then it's Hermione! I can never escape these crazy women!"

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**THE END**

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**Author's Note: **There is a reason why I decided to rate this ONE-SHOT as "Teen" and you just know why. If you cannot handle these types of stories, please do not read them and flame me. Thank you.

For those who enjoyed it, please **rate/review!** I might write another one if I get lots. Cookies to everyone!


	2. Too Much Bending

Author's note: I just thought it would be more convenient if I post them as chapters instead of individual stories.

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**Too Much Bending**

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**Summary:** Harry and Ron were looking for Hermione. So where have they found her? In a room with Draco Malfoy, of course.

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They couldn't find her. They looked practically everywhere, turned the library upside down, searched almost every nook and cranny, but they still couldn't find her. It was not like Hermione Granger to miss breakfast and lunch. Harry Potter and Ronald Weasley were awfully worried about their female best friend.

Suddenly, Harry remembered the Marauder's Map. Quickly scanning the tiny dots scattering throughout the map, Harry ran across Hermione's name. It said she was in her room, but he and Ron stood outside the portrait yelling her name for a good five minutes half an hour ago and then decided that she was not in there.

They half-ran to the Heads Common Room again. Harry raised his hand to knock on the portrait, but suddenly halted when he heard voices through the portrait. He heard Hermione's voice and there was someone else. He looked down at map and growled.

Malfoy was with her.

Harry exchanged a worried glance with Ron. He hoped Malfoy wasn't doing anything to her. If he was, he and Ron would beat the hell out of the Slytherin git ten times over.

"Should we knock?" Ron asked him.

Harry shook his head. Maybe they should find out what Hermione and Malfoy are actually doing before they jump to any conclusions. He and Ron had the tendency to do so lately. After all, Hermione had managed to warm up to Malfoy since they were both Head Boy and Head Girl.

"Granger, you're going to have to sit down to do it. It won't be good for you if you lay down. You'll have a stomachache." Harry heard Malfoy say and wondered what on earth he could possibly be talking about. He motioned for Ron to listen.

"Oh fine." Hermione said. "This better good as you say it is."

Harry heard there were some shifting around in there and the sound of a zipper being opened.

"It's getting hot in here, isn't it Granger?" Harry heard Malfoy remarked.

He told himself not jump to any conclusions. Ron looked at him with a curious look and Harry merely shrugged his shoulders.

"Malfoy!" Harry heard Hermione exclaimed after a moment of silence. "It's so tiny and slender!"

"What? There's nothing wrong with it." Malfoy sounded affronted. "I find it a suitable size."

Harry was getting more worried by the second. _Don't jump to conclusions. Don't jump to conclusions._ He kept telling himself.

"How is everything going to go through if it's so small? Won't it get jammed or something?" Hermione asked.

"Oh, you're so stupid Granger. You should know its expandable when it's filled and loaded." Malfoy said. "Gets to be four times bigger." He added proudly.

"Oh." It was all Hermione said.

"See, I'll explain it like this. Wizard devices are just the same as muggle devices. You just go slowly and the ridges will help bend it in a more suitable angle for you." Malfoy said. "But don't it so much you break it. This is precious equipment, Granger."

The only thought that crossed Harry's head was: _What the fuck?_

By the look on Ron's face, it was clear he had the same thought.

"You know, wizard equipment just looks the same as Muggle's." Hermione said.

Just then, Neville walked by. Curious, he stopped to ask Harry and Ron what they were doing. They both told him to hush.

"Of course not." Harry could imagine a scowl on Malfoy's face by his tone. "Wizards are better and they are always bigger than Muggles. It's in our blood for developing things."

Neville looked at Harry with perplexed eyes. Harry shrugged in return.

There was a rustle.

"Granger, what are you doing?"

"I'm cleaning it, what do you think I'm doing?" Hermione said.

"But I already washed it! It's clean, woman!"

"But if I'm going to put it in my mouth, I'm making sure it's clean." Hermione said with utmost determination.

Harry and Ron tried to calm Neville down as he started to hyperventilate.

"Don't you trust me?" They heard Malfoy asked somewhat sarcastically.

"You're Malfoy, so no."

Malfoy sighed and said, "Are you done cleaning it yet?"

"Yes."

There was a moment of silence. Harry almost died in anxiety waiting for something to happen.

…Silence…

Harry begun to sweat, Ron was fidgeting his fingers, and Neville was on the verge of getting a heatstroke even though it was in the middle of winter.

…More silence…

Beads of sweat rolled down Harry's forehead. Ron bit his nails nervously and Neville was fanning himself.

…Some more silence…

"Merlin, this is so tasty!" Hermione exclaimed suddenly, causing the three eavesdroppers to jump. "I'm surprised."

She let out a moan. "I didn't know you could make something so tasty Malfoy."

Neville fainted. It was all _too much_ for the poor boy to handle.

"It's in the Malfoy blood, Granger." Malfoy said smugly. "We have skills."

Harry strained to listen. It sounded like Hermione was taking huge gulps. His stomach was doing huge flops. Merlin, what the hell was Hermione doing? He hoped she was not doing what he thought she was doing. Images filled his mind of Hermione and Malfoy… He shuddered violently, shaking away the forbidden thoughts. He looked at Ron, hoping for some sort of doubt that Hermione was not…

However, Ron did not provide any support for Harry's doubt. Instead, he looked like he was about to let his dinner go back up again.

"Granger, stop bending it so much. Merlin, woman! I know you're enjoying yourself, but calm down." Malfoy yelled. "Didn't I tell you its precious?"

"Sorry, but this is addicting." Hermione moaned again.

Harry and Ron could not tear themselves away from the conversion. Looking for some sort of distraction, but still be able to hear, they attempted to revive the fallen Neville.

"My father gave me this gift; I want to keep it Granger." Malfoy said.

"Has any other girls used it?" Hermione asked.

"Of course. Why have the equipment and not let the other girls also enjoy the pleasure?"

"If I would be able to have it…"

"I don't think you can Granger… It would not be possible for you to detach it from me."

"Yeah shame, too bad Harry and Ron don't have one."

Harry and Ron dropped Neville on the floor out of surprise, causing the boy to knock his head on the floor and be unconscious once again.

Harry's and Ron's mouths dropped to the floor. _Did Hermione just say that they did not have one? Of course they have one! Probably bigger than Malfoy's, that's for sure!_

"Granger, what did I tell you about bending it?" Malfoy said. "You cannot abuse it!"

"Sorry."

"Wipe your mouth, Granger. You have white stuff all around your lips."

Hermione giggled. "I hope this stuff isn't fattening."

"I made it, so it isn't." Malfoy said. Suddenly, his voice was louder. "All right, that's it! You're not using it anymore. You're bending it too much. Granger, get your mouth away from it!"

"But I need to bend it a lot so more can come through."

"Granger!"

Harry could not take it anymore. He had to stop it—Merlin, he just had to! His best friend and his arch rival? He cannot let it go one any longer!

Not bothering to say the password, he and Ron demanded the portrait swing open. The picture of the mermaid refused, but after threatening it would become Christmas firewood, the portrait swung open. Harry and Ron barged in, stopping Hermione and Malfoy midst of their act.

Malfoy was standing up and Hermione was sitting down.

"Hermione, stop! Stop doing it!" Ron screamed, pushing Malfoy out of the way.

"Please, Hermione, please stop pleasuring Malfoy!" Harry said.

Hermione looked at him, confused. Harry and Ron's eyes fell to her hands. She was holding a glass filled with a white gooey substance.

_Damn,_ Harry couldn't help but thought. _Did Malfoy really make that much?_

"What are you guys doing?" Hermione demanded.

"Stopping you from making the biggest mistake of your life." Harry said.

"And what would that be? Drinking a milkshake?"

"Yes, Drinking a Malfoy—huh, what?" Harry looked at her dumbly. "A milkshake?"

"Yes," Hermione said, holding up her glass.

"Then what were you sucking on?" Ron asked bluntly.

"This straw?"

"Huh?"

"Dumbarse, it's a wizard straw. It's almost the same as a muggle straw, but only smaller and able to expand so more liquid will flow through. Plus, it enhances the taste of whatever you're drinking." Malfoy said, giving Harry and Ron a weird look. "What did you think it was?"

_What did I think you were doing_—is the question. Harry thought.

"Um… nothing." Ron said stupidly. "Sorry to disturb you."

"I forgive you," Malfoy said with a smug. "After all, Weasley, these straws are expensive. Your family would not be able to afford one."

Ron's ears were flaming red, but Harry kept him from launching at Malfoy.

"We're going to leave now…" Together, Harry and Ron walked out of the room, shameful of themselves. Hermione remained behind, drinking a vanilla milkshake with Draco Malfoy's magical drinking straw.

"So Granger, was that a pleasurable experience for you?"

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Thanks for the reviews. Thanks to those who reviewed again. 


	3. Too Much Comparing

**Author's Note:** Here's another installment of my "Too Much" Series since readers loved the others so much. As always, have an active imagination and let it run free!

**Summary:** Hermione and Ginny are comparing Draco and Harry. Unknowingly to them and unfortunately, Draco and Harry happened to be nearby. Why, such dirty things are involved. Mature Content! Read with caution!

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**Too Much Comparing**

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Hermione Granger, bookworm extraordinaire, and smartest witch in Hogwarts did not have the slightest perverted bone in her body. Of course, why should she when she had other things to think about? Or rather, _talked_ about. Usually she would not bother to nag on and on about this particular person and a certain asset of his, but the boy simply talked too much about it for her to avoid it. Well the only way for her to lessen her view on the object of that boy's obsession was by comparing it to his arch enemy's. So one sunny Saturday morning when the rest of the Hogwarts population were outside enjoying the only sun they had in the past two weeks of rain, Hermione and one of her good female friends, Ginny Weasley were in the library catching up on some light reading with a bit of gossip every now and then.

They sat in the farthest corner of the library so they should not be disturbed. Draco Malfoy, Head-Boy and Hermione's arch nemesis, was looking for her so they can get started on a Potions project that they have been unjustly been assigned to work together. On the other side, Harry Potter, the-boy-who-lived and one of Hermione's best friend was also searching for her so they can go to Hogsmeade together. Draco and Harry met each other in front of the library door and upon laying eyes on each other; pure looks of venom were exchanged.

"What are you doing here Malfoy? Aren't you supposed to be somewhere screwing with Crabbe and Goyle?" Harry asked him, his voice filled with malice.

"Naturally, I was going to ask you if you were going to screw your boyfriend Weasley today. I heard Weasley screams like a little girl when he is about to reach his point." Draco said, smiling evilly.

Harry thought better than to hex the bloody smile off Draco's face because he simply would not let the Slytherin ruin his perfectly good sunny morning. He opened the doors to the library and walked on, noticing that Draco was following him. Harry spun around and said loudly, "Merlin Malfoy, I'm too straight to shag you in the library!"

Draco's fist instinctively shot out, but he halted it in midair. He forced himself to calm down. It was bad enough he had to work with Hermione on this fine Saturday. He should just get the project over with and get on with his day. Harry Potter was not worth his trouble. He withdrew his hand and walked ahead, searching for Hermione. Nearing the back of the library, he instantly heard her voice and was about to called out to her when he coherently heard her comment.

"Malfoy brags about it so freaking much, it's annoying me!"

Draco stopped walking shortly, wondering what he bragged about recently. His good looks… his sex-god status… his wealth… his good looks… his money… hmm, there was so much about him for him to brag…so what was Granger ranting on about?

Harry was about to walk past him when Draco shot his arm out to stop the boy. Harry sent him a glare, but Draco placed his fingers to his lips and told him to hush. Harry scowled disapprovingly, not liking the idea that Draco was eavesdropping on Hermione's conversation, but her next comment made him extremely interested.

"I'll admit it was better than Harry's though."

Harry instantly thought. _What was better than him?_

The two boys stood behind the bookcase, careful to keep themselves out of view. They both pressed their ear against the shelf in order to hear the conversation better.

"Malfoy's was a bit longer and thicker." Hermione said.

Harry scrunched his face up in horror as he saw Draco's wide satisfied grin. How did Hermione know? She couldn't have possibly slept with the enemy! Harry wanted to confront her, but he was too keen on hearing Hermione's next words.

"But Harry has more skills, which Malfoy lacks." She said proudly.

"I'll agree on that any day." Ginny said, nodding her head.

Harry went _HA!_ to Draco as the Slytherin's mouth dropped in surprise.

_He was better than Potter!_ Draco thought angrily. _Yes he was! He knew he will always be better than Potter! He has more skills than scarface! The mudblood just didn't know what she was talking about._

"It's not the size of your equipment, but how you use it and your skills." Ginny said wisely.

Hermione nodded her head in agreement.

"I bet Harry was born with the gift." Ginny added with a slight blush.

Harry couldn't help the huge grin that stretched across his face. Seeing Draco's horrified face was priceless.

"Malfoy likes to stick it in places, just as long as it looks better to him. He likes to keep it nice and maintained."

"I always knew you were a bloody man whore." Harry whispered to Draco.

"Shut the fuck up." Draco said heatedly.

"But have you noticed that Harry's is a bit crooked?" Ginny said.

Draco pointed his finger at Harry, laughing silently.

Harry gave Draco a daunting look. "No, I'm not!" He mouthed.

"Yeah, Harry's is a bit crooked, but he overcomes that factor with his skills."

Harry crossed his arms and puffed out this chest proudly. _Ha! Did Malfoy hear that? He got skills!_

"You know Malfoy's is only bigger is because he has money. Money can give you big things." said Ginny.

"Yeah, that's true. Knowing Malfoy, he always wants to be bigger and better than anyone else." Hermione said, agreeing.

Harry gave Draco a queer look. Realizing Harry's look, Draco shook his head back and forth quickly. "I didn't do anything! I didn't enhance it!" He whispered, actually worried that Harry might cared.

"Harry has money; he should get the crookedness fixed." Ginny said

Determined not to let Harry get all the laughs, Draco said, "Crooked Potter."

"No I'm not!" Harry said angrily.

"I don't think he should." Hermione said. "Maybe it's the crookedness that gives Harry his luck."

"Probably," Ginny said sighing. She then grinned, "Have you ever tried to ride it? Won't the crookedness make you fall off?"

Hermione laughed and said, "Yeah, I have always feared that. I was never good at doing it in the first place, so riding Harry's—the crookedness does intimidate me."

Draco bit the inside of his cheeks, trying to keep himself from bursting out with laughter. He clutched his stomach. Merlin, his sides hurt so much from unreleased laughter.

Harry never felt any more embarrassed in his life. _How can Hermione say that? And with Malfoy here to hear this!_

"What about Draco's?" Ginny asked.

"Malfoy's is so hard. I never rode it, but I heard it was uncomfortable." Hermione said.

Harry's embarrassment was quickly gone. Now looking at Draco's mortified face, Harry knew it was his turn to laugh.

"Did I ever tell you what Malfoy asked me?" Hermione asked her friend.

"No," Ginny said, intrigued.

"The nerve of him! He asked me if I had a big trunk because he said one day he was going to put it in it." Hermione said, scowling as she crossed her arms. "I don't even know him that well! The only other boy that stuck his in my trunk was Ron, but he's like my brother, so it wasn't anything."

"You asked Hermione for sex?" Harry demanded to know.

Draco shrugged his shoulders. "I don't remember."

"If I ever hear that you hurt Hermione, I'll fuckin' kill you." Harry said threateningly.

"With your crookedness?" Draco suggested.

Harry was ready to launch himself at Draco and beat the bloody hell out of the bloke, but he told himself that the Slytherin boy wasn't worth it.

"I don't know about Harry, but Malfoy loves to stroke his." Hermione stated.

"Harry's a guy too, of course he strokes his." Ginny said. "They stroke things they like."

Never would Draco Malfoy believe that Hermione Granger would be talking about such a topic. And he thought she was innocent all this time! Wait until the rest of the school hears this…

"Merlin, you should see the way Malfoy stroked his. You think he was going to lose it by the way he was going!" Hermione exclaimed.

Harry moved away from Draco a bit. Perhaps it was better if he kept a safe distance…

Draco was shocked more than anything. Granger spied on him? Damn that is one freaky witch! If she wanted to see, she could have just asked!

"All right, overall Malfoy or Harry?" Ginny asked.

"Surprisingly, I have to pick Malfoy. Harry is my best friend, so it'll be a safe ride. Sometimes I need some exhilaration."

Ginny nodded her head and said, "I have to pick Malfoy too. Harry's is just too skinny."

Draco was just full of glee. To have the two most important females of Potter's life picked him over Boy Wonder was just wonderful. He grinned at the look at Harry's face.

"Ha! Ha! I'm just better!" Draco said, still grinning.

_Screw the Malfoy-wasn't-worth-it theory._ Harry thought. He lunged into Draco's direction and tackled him down. They thrashed and thrashed, trying to deliver black eyes and bloody lips. Draco and Harry's arms were entangled as they tried to beat the mess out of each other. They stumbled out of their hidden space and into view. They fell to the ground and both looked up to each Hermione and Ginny staring at them with wide eyes.

"What are you two doing?" Hermione asked.

Draco backed away from Harry and brushed the dirt off his robes. "What are you two talking about is the question."

"What do you mean?" Ginny asked innocently.

"Granger, I have skills!" Draco said furiously.

"Hermione, I am not crooked!" Harry protested.

Hermione and Ginny turned to look at each other.

"Malfoy, you do not have as much skills as Harry and Harry, yours is crooked." Hermione said.

"No!" Both of the boys shouted at once, refusing to believe the Head-Girl.

"Harry," Hermione said sympathetically. "Years of playing made your Firebolt crooked. And Malfoy, Harry will always be better than you playing Seeker."

Both Harry and Draco blinked, their mouths dropping to the floor. _So much for a nice Saturday morning._

Ginny shook her head and muttered, "Boys! When it comes to Quidditch, they think they're always right."

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I couldn't think of anything else to add, so it's a bit short. Tell me what you think. 


	4. Too Much Poking and Wiggling

**Author's Note**: Gods, I can't believe I'm writing such stories… _Tsk-tsk_… What's worse, I can't believe you guys are reading it. Heh.

Extra treat—its extra long—longer than the others.

P.S. I shall update _Arousing the Unknown_ soon. Don't give up on me now, I'm still breathing… As long as I shall breathe, I will continue to update. I promise you that.

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**Summary:** Hermione and Draco were on their nightly patrol and have fallen into a weird compartment. With no one to hear them (or so they thought) Hermione and Draco try to pass the time.

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**Too Much Poking and Wiggling**

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"Malfoy, walk a little slower would you?" Hermione Granger, Head-Girl of Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry grumbled as she tried to catch up to the fast pace of Draco Malfoy, her arch nemesis.

The platinum blonde-haired Head-Boy rolled his blue eyes and quickened his pace. "What's the matter Granger? Scared?"

Hermione looked around her surroundings edgily, but she refused to let Draco wallow in his cockiness. "Of course not."

"Sure."

"I mean it! I'm not scared. Let's just hurry up and get the patrol over with."

"We have three floors to go."

"Damn."

"We would cover a lot more if we split up." Draco suggested.

Although it was a good idea for convenience, Hermione was not too keen on the idea of wandering alone—especially on a night like this. The rain was pounding on the roof of the castle, lightening seemed to strike more than usual and the wind howled with such ferocity that Hermione was sure a terrible beast was loose in the castle.

"Malfoy, I rather tolerate your terrible company than wander alone and get lost." said Hermione.

"Wonderful to know." The Head-Boy's tone was drenching with sarcasm.

Eeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeekkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkk……….

Suddenly Hermione heard a weird squeaking noise from behind a wall. "Malfoy, did you hear that?"

"Granger, you're getting too paranoid." Draco said, giving Hermione a queer look.

"Shush! Listen!"

Eeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeekkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkk…

"Oh shit." Draco breathed. "What the hell was that?"

"I don't know. I think it's coming from behind this wall." Hermione walked up to the stone wall and cautiously pressed her ear to the cold surface. Draco followed suit.

Eeeeeeeeeeeeeeekkkkkkkkkkk….. Eeeeeeeeeeeeeekkkkkkkkkkkkkkk….

"What the fuck? It sounds like Mrs. Norris is dying. Damn, now that would've been great." Draco said with a big grin on his face.

Hermione gave him a disappointed frown and turned her attention back to the noise behind the wall.

Eeeeeekkkkkkkk…

Hermione's hands scampered around, lightly tapping the wall.

"What are you doing?" Draco asked, slightly puzzled.

"I think there is an entrance somewhere." said Hermione. "I know this isn't a classroom."

Eeeeeekkkkkkkkkkkk…

Small bumps began to cascade down Draco's spine. The noise irked him, yet he was determined not to let Hermione see his fear. Hermione pulled out her wand from underneath her robe.

"Lumos." She murmured. With the aid of her wand's light, Hermione knew her suspicion was correct. There was a small crack from the ceiling all the way to the floor where it might mark a door.

Eeeeeeeeeeekkkkkkkkkkkk….

Immediately, Draco pulled out his wand too.

"Aha!"

"What?" Draco peered in closer.

"I think I found it." Hermione said with triumph. She pressed her palm on the loose stone.

Suddenly, the wall seemed to vaporize and a huge force pulled the breath out of her. The force sucked Hermione and Draco in and pulled them down.

"Oh shit!" Draco screamed, trying to stop himself from falling, but it was futile.

Hermione tried to grab onto any object that may be protruding, but there was nothing. Together, they sled down into the dark depths of the castle. Hermione felt they must've been sliding forever. Draco's scream was drowning hers. Someone must have definitely heard that and will come save them. Hermione thought. At last they landed with a hard thump.

"Granger, I never knew you were so fat." Draco said groggily.

"Shut up." Hermione said as she sprung onto her feet after realizing that she was sprawled on top of her enemy. She looked around. Everything was so dark. She searched in her robe for her wand, but it wasn't there.

"Shit, my head hurts." Draco said as he sat down. He groped around for his wand, but he too, did not find it. "Damn, the wands must be back up there."

Now Hermione was usually not one for such vulgarity, but at that moment, all she could say was "Fuck! Fuck! Fuckkk!"

"Jeez, Granger, I didn't know you're that horny."

"Shut up!" She furiously waved her hands around, reaching out to see if she could touch anything. She felt a wall.

"It seems like that eeeeekkkkk was nothing more than the wind whistling. You sure can hear the storm pretty loud in here."

"There must be a way out." Hermione said, completely ignoring Draco.

"Granger, we're in a small-arse room." Draco said. "Not even a room, feels like a broom closet." He waved his hands. "But without the brooms."

"Someone help!" Hermione screamed. "Anyone! Please help!"

"With her big mouth, it would be a miracle if the whole castle was still sleeping." Draco muttered.

"Use your mouth for something useful!"

"Oh but I do."

Hermione stomped Draco's foot. "Stop being so perverted!"

"Was I?"

"Stop it and help me yell for help."

"Fine. Hey you fucking blockheads, wake the fuck up! I'm trapped!" Draco pounded on the walls heavily.

"I swear, if I heard someone say that, I would leave them trapped." Hermione murmured.

"Shitbricks! Fucking arses wake up! Can't you hear me!" He pounded harder.

"Oh god." Hermione sighed. "Please don't let me be stuck with this moron."

_Thirty minutes later of relentless pounding, screaming, and cursing…_

"I don't think they hear us Granger." Draco said.

"Bloody hell." Hermione sank to the floor.

"Great! There's no one around to hear us." Draco said angrily. "What should we do to pass the time?"

"Go to sleep."

"No, I can't sleep. It's fucking dirty and cramp in here. I can barely stretch my legs out."

"Well what do you suggest?"

"Duh, it's obvious Granger. There are two of us stuck in this damn-Merlin-knows-where place. There's only one thing left to do and it's to—"

_Boom!_ Thunder shook the castle.

_Meanwhile…_

Professor Dumbledore, Headmaster of Hogwarts woke up from his deep slumber. There was a knock on his door. He searched around for his half-moon speckles. "Come in."

Professor McGonagall and Professor Snape stormed in. There were grim expressions on their faces.

"What's the matter?" Dumbledore asked them, wondering what happened that they had to wake him up. He was having such an interesting dream too. Someone was calling him a _ahem_—_bleeping_ blockhead and poopbrick on top of many other things.

"The secret passage to your room was opened." McGonagall said quickly. "Professor Snape and I were afraid that someone might want to harm you. That's why we came."

"Well I haven't seen anyone yet." Dumbledore said with a smile.

"We'll still stay here for a while for your safety—just incase." Snape said, his face hardly touched by the smile.

Just then, Dumbledore's ears picked up faint voices. "Shh… I think I hear them." The three professors became silent as they strained to hear the voices behind the thick stone walls.

….

"For once, I agree." said Hermione, shifting around.

Draco began to grope around, his fingers brushing against random objects. He felt two holes. "I think this is it. Damn I can't see."

Hermione's hand went down to where Draco's was. "Yeah, that should be it. You got the stick?"

"Right here." Draco whipped it out.

"It looks funny." Hermione remarked.

"No, it doesn't." said Draco angrily. "It's dark! How can you even see it?"

"Well I have good night vision!"

Draco snorted. "Yeah right."

"I'm serious. The ridges look funny."

"Damn, Granger, nothing has to be perfect like you."

"I'm not perfect! I'm just saying it's oddly shaped."

"Hard to satisfy, aren't you?"

"I can't help it."

Malfoy sighed. "Well this is going to take a while."

….

McGonagall's chalky faced paled until her skin was almost translucent. Snape merely smirked and Dumbledore had the most peculiar expression on his face.

"Heavens," McGonagall gasped. "What on Earth are they doing?"

"What do you think Minerva?" Dumbledore asked innocently.

"Well I never!"

"Heh." Snape scoffed as he crossed his arms. "It seems like our intruders are having a great time."

"We must stop them! This is indecent! Professor Dumbledore!" McGonagall said furiously.

"It would be rude to barge in." Dumbledore said. "Plus, I really wouldn't want to catch anyone in the act of… might be an unpleasant sight…"

….

"Malfoy, I'm not going to do this if you don't put it in the right hole!" Hermione said crossly.

"The bottom one looks better." protested Draco.

"Well, it's not going to work until you put it into the one above it."

"How do you know? Hmm? Hmmm?"

"I just know!"

"And you have been doing this regularly, Granger?"

"I have seen my dad do it."

….

"Hmm…" Snape pondered. "Forgive me if I'm wrong, but that sounds like Miss Hermione Granger." He paused, listening for a second. "And her partner sounds like Mr. Draco Malfoy."

McGonagall's mouth dropped. "It can't be! Hermione would never!"

"Yes, that does sound like them." Dumbledore said, agreeing with Snape. "Interesting…"

"It is not interesting! This is forbidden!" The Transfiguration professor cried out.

"Most interesting…" Snape muttered.

….

"Merlin, Malfoy! You poked me with it!" Hermione said irately.

"Uhh yeah… I know I did."

"You're supposed to put it in the hole, not poke me with it!"

"Well I want to see how it is before I do so." said Malfoy.

"Malfoy…"

"Fine."

There was a profound moment of silence…

"Malfoy, I thought you said you were an expert at this! You said you did this many times! You have to position it correctly, you idiot!" Hermione said, hitting Draco on the head with her hand.

"Shut up Granger! I know what I'm doing."

Hermione mumbles. "Yeah whatever."

"I have more expertise than you."

"Expertise my arse." Hermione said prudishly. "Can't even push it in the right hole."

….

"McGonagall was on the brink of fainting. Never in a million years would she ever presume that she would hear her best student perform and say such… indecent things…

….

"Malfoy, you can't keep using the backdoor for everything! It doesn't work that way." Hermione was getting furiously.

"But the backdoor is always easiest for me." Draco said.

"Not in this situation! You're going to ruin the stick if you stick it there!"

"Granger, I know what I'm doing! I did it before!"

"With who? Who taught you?"

"Blaise Zabini."

"Figures." Hermione snorted. "He would be the idiot to teach you it."

….

"Oh my." Snape said.

"Oh my indeed." Dumbledore nodded his head.

"Oh my god." McGonagall grasped her heart.

….

_Moment of silence…_

"Stop wiggling it like that Malfoy! It's going to break if you keep doing it like that!" The Head-Girl screamed.

"No it won't! It's strong! See?"

"I swear I'm stuck with an idiot. It won't work if you keep wiggling it like that."

"Let's see you do it, Miss Smarty-arse." Draco said, irritated.

_Some fumbling was heard…_

"See, if you move this carefully… Now switch position with me. Ahhh… better!" Hermione said, grinning.

"Granger, I'm a bit uncomfortable in this position." Draco said.

"There's no room, so suck it up."

"Ahh! What did you kick me for?"

"You're moving too much!" Hermione said. "Be still because you're affecting me!"

"Damn you witch!"

….

"I think it's time we stop them Severus before they wake up the whole school." Dumbledore said, smiling.

Snape walked up the wall and pressed his palm in several locations of the stones. Suddenly, the wall swung open and two students fell out.

Yes, everyone was in a state of utter shock.

"Professor Snape!" Hermione gasped. Her eyes looked up. "Uhhh…"

"Damn, it's a house party." Draco mumbled. "McGonagall and Dumbledore are here too."

Well, it certainly wasn't what the three professors were expecting.

Draco and Hermione were fully clothed and in Hermione's hand was… an oddly shaped stick.

"What were you two doing?" McGonagall demanded. "What happened?"

Hermione looked at the stick in her hands and nervously laughed. "Well, we fell down from the fourth floor during our patrol and landed in that room. Malfoy found this stick on the floor and we were trying to crack open the lock with it. We were having a hard time because Malfoy, who's a complete idiot, were trying to wiggle the stick into the wrong keyhole in the wall."

"I am not an idiot!"

"Yes you are! Can't you see the stick was too big for the lower hole!"

"How should I know? It was dark!"

"You should've listened to me! I told you the upper hole was better!"

"Excuse me Professor; I don't want to be around this annoying witch." Malfoy stomped out of the room.

"Grr! Stupid idiot!" Hermione followed behind him. "If you had listened to me, we would've gotten out sooner!"

Her voice echoed back to the three professors.

"See Minerva? There was nothing to be worried about." Dumbledore said, a twinkle in his eyes. "Now I need to get back to my pleasant dreams. Maybe now I'll see the face of the person who called me a blockhead…"

….

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Hope that wasn't too disturbing for you.

Please rate/review! Thank you!


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